Stellan, Audrey and Elias
My heart has been heavy. I know many of you read my dear friend Angie’s blog and know the story of her Audrey. You also may read MckMama’s blog and know the story of Stellan, the miracle baby who had a similar diagnosis to Audrey, but lived. Well Stellan is all of a sudden very sick. Very sick.
And I can’t help but ask why God? Why? It is just weeks before the one-year-anniversary of Audrey’s birth and death… please don’t take Stellan Lord.
The God I serve is a big God, who has mighty hands of power, forgiveness, and grace. He can heal. But sometimes he does not. And the only way I can find comfort is knowing that His ways are not our ways and that He can see a much bigger picture than I can…
Last night I nursed Elias and he fell asleep, like he almost always does. But unlike most nights, when I pass him to Matthew and he puts him in his crib, I couldn’t let go. I listened to his breathing, felt him clutching the neckline of my nightgown, felt his chest go up and down against mine… as I held him I thanked God for my healthy son, who is growing like a weed, jabbering sounds up a storm. 
And then, I thought of Angie and Audrey, and I thought of Jennifer and Stellan. How does a mother go from holding her daughter, to losing her hours later? How does a mother go from thinking she is going to lose her son, to him being miraculously healed and nursing him for months, only to find him unexpectedly in the hospital, fighting for his life?
I am praying that God’s will be done for Stellan, whatever that be. But I can’t help but also pray that His will is to heal Stellan. I pray that we will see another miracle. Regardless, I pray for peace that passes all understanding. I know that God answers prayers, but I also know that the ways in which He answers them do not always look like the way we want them to. I know that He is not surprised by Stellan’s unexpected sickness. And I know that He hears the prayers of the thousands praying for this little boy, regardless of the outcome.
I found comfort in Psalm 5:1-3 this morning
1 Give ear to my words, O LORD,
consider my sighing.
2 Listen to my cry for help,
my King and my God,
for to you I pray.
3 In the morning, O LORD, you hear my voice;
in the morning I lay my requests before you
and wait in expectation.
Will you join me, and so many others, in praying for this little boy? God hears us.
Also, hug your children and loved ones a little tighter today. We don’t know how long we have on this earth. Last week, Stellan was smiling and seemed healthy as can be. Today, he is fighting for his life.
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I too follow MckMama’s blog and am just heartbroken over Stellan. He’s been on my mind these past few days. I’ll be honest I ask “why” all the time and you really helped to explain it to me alittle better. I pray that God’s will is to heal Stellan right along with you. Praying for Audrey,Stellan and all the other babies out there that are hurting today!
I have really enjoyed reading your blog for the past couple of months, but this is the first time I have commented. Your post hits close to home, because I have a healthy 5 month old little girl and I find myself holding on to her a little tighter every night. Life is so short. I am praying for little Stellan and his family. May God surround them and give them strength through this trying time.
I have also been following McMama's blog, & am praying, praying, praying! My heart cries out to her family & baby Stellan! I cannot emagine going threw the heartache she is going threw at this time. My prayers are with Audrey, Stellan and all other's who need a healing.
Oh, Jess ~ Thank you for that post. I’m sitting here, at work, with tears in my eyes because I have been sooooooo incredibly caught up with with Stellan these last few days.
It’s been so hard to have my dear friend, Jen, hurting so badly. I want more than anything to go be with her, but I know she is being well taken care of. We’ve communicated via e-mail and she is such a strong woman of faith. I’m continually amazed.
I’ve really been struggling with the “WHY,” as well. Why is this happening? Why won’t it just go away? I could go on and on, but deep down, I know the answer: God is in CONTROL. I know that, I do, I just think that sometimes ~ I forget.
Anyways, thank you again for your post this morning. As always, I’m praying not only for Stellan, but for you, Ang, Kelly, and many other moms out there.
Just so you know, I started a Prayer Blog for Stellan, similar to Harper’s.
http://prayingformckmuffin.blogspot.com/
Just wanted to let you and everyone else you reads your blog know!
Love ya
I, too, am in agreement of asking ‘why’ consistently. I think it is an unfair fact of life that we will never find the answers to life’s unanswered questions. I have a firm belief that as Stellan has produced a miracle before he can produce another one. I have held onto that thought ever since this has happened.
Beautiful post, Jessica. You explained it so well. 🙂
JESSICA,THIS TOUCHED MY HEART.IT IS BREAKING.I AM PRAYRIG FOR THEM.IF YOU GET A CHANCE PLEASE CHECK OUT MY BLOG.MY DAUGHTER IS DOING A CONFRESS.PLEASE PRAY THAT IT WILL BE A SUCCESS.HAVE A BLESSED DAY!
I, too, have been praying so hard for Stellan’s healing -and God’s will… My son is 7 mos. old and I’ve been holding onto him, and my 4 yr. old daughter, extra tight. Thank you for sharing.
Ruthie
I’ve been praying for Stellan nonstop since Sunday evening and jump every time my phone “tweets” with updates. I pray for God’s will, fervently hoping and praying with everything in me that that includes complete healing for Stellan. I pray for peace and the ability to rest in the arms of the Giver of all Life for Jennifer and her entire family.
Jessica, you’re precious, and this has been weighing heavy on my heart as well and I’ll continue praying for Stellan and for a miraculous outcome!!!
This was the most beautifully written post, Jess. I love your heart and the way you are able to express it in a way that brings all of us right there with you.
Hug Mr. Elias a little extra for me, would you?
Thank you Jess for being such an inspirtation…your love & caring heart is precious. I am praying for Stellan & his family.
I completely understand how you feel…I’ve read Angie’s story and count my blessings everyday to be able to hold and take care of my little Caedmon…my sister in law had her baby 16 weeks early, without any explaination, and she passed away 3 days later. It was heartbreaking and a day does not pass me by without thinking of them.
Sometimes I just sit and watch my little guy too. Enjoy the stillness and comfort in my time with him.
I pray that Mckmama can stay strong, and that Stellan can stay here on earth with her.
you just gave me chills & more tears in my eyes! I'm on my knees as well for Stellan and the MSC family… and also raising prayers of thanksgiving for the healthy babies like your little pumpkin!
I think that when you are made a Mummy you are also given the strength to deal with anything. I’m wishing Stellan and his family extra special strength at this time.
I held my baby tight tonight too! Life is so short sometimes.. 🙁 praying for them
Great post Jessica, I follow McMama too and have been praying for Stellan. It is so hard to understand, but you nailed it, His ways are not our ways, and we have to find comfort in that. Thanks for the post, I love the comfort we can get from Him and His word during this “season”.
what a powerful post that should hit home to any mother, I will be praying everyday
I got my baby (now almost 2) out of his crib last night and just held him close and whispered to God how thankful I was…Stellan is just breaking my heart right now..