Single Parenting Tips Wanted
Matthew is traveling on a month-long writing assignment overseas. While we cannot disclose specific details about what he is covering (yet!), this experience was a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity and we had to say yes. (Follow him on Instagram for some glimpses of the cool countries he is/will be visiting.)
If you have spouses who travel or are in the military, I would love your tips for how to get through the period of time they are away. How do you make it easy on the kids? On you? What things do you let go of? We don’t have family in Nashville, but several family members are coming to town to help over the course of the month, which I am grateful for.
We started Matthew’s time away with me very sick, so it has not been an easy first few days… thankfully my mother-in-law arrives today!
updated to add: This post is not meant to diminish the tough job that truly single parents have (whether due to being widowed, by choice, divorce, domestic violence, or other reasons). I know that I am very blessed that Matthew will return in a month.
I’ve not experience your exact situation, but I am a single mom. The most important thing is for you to recognize that you just can’t do it all. Pick the things that are most important to you and your family and prioritize those. Let the housework slide to spend precious moments with your kids. Don’t be afraid to have an occasional take out meal or frozen meal if it gives you a break from cooking and cleaning up.
For yourself, make sure you take a little time for you each day. I could get a lot more done in my house if I went back downstairs after my daughter is asleep to do chores, etc. Sometimes I do, but most nights I chose to focus on my health and well-being. My daughter is usually asleep by 8:30pm. While I am sitting in her room waiting for her to go to sleep I read. After I leave her room I usually crawl right into my bed and read until 9pm. It is a rare night that I am awake later than that. But getting a solid 8 hours of sleep each night makes a huge difference in my day. Also, I find that getting up early (5am) allows me to get some things done in the morning and start my day off right.
It will be hard on the kids, but skype and/or phone calls will help. If dad can send them postcards from all over the world it would give them something to look forward to. When my daughter was young, I went on a 10 day trip to Thailand. Before I left I went to the store and bought her a little stuffed sheep (it was Easter time). I told her that was her “mama sheep” and any time she missed me she could hug that and know I was thinking of her. It worked great, and she now has a whole collection of “mama sheep”. A sheep has become the symbol of our mother/daughter bond. A tangible reminder of the parent’s love can be comforting for a child who misses them.
I hope all goes well. I know it will be tough, but soon you will all be reunited!
My husband is a frequent traveler and, for us, it’s just the way life is. Our routines are all based on daddy not being home. It’s also why we moved back to TN – so we could be closer to family. Not that any of that helps you! Just do your best, remember it’s just temporary, and don’t try and do everything yourself. The house doesn’t have to be shipshape, you don’t have to cook every meal, etc. Sometimes when my husband is gone, we just go into basic survival mode- just doing whatever it takes to get through the week. (This is one of those weeks- we spend Monday in the ER when my daughter severed her finger! And today when I have to take my son to Vandy and still be back to pick up the older kids from school in M’boro.)
You’ll be fine and it’ll be over before you know it.
I have some blog posts I would like to send you that have been written by Samaritan’s Purse wives. They are quite encouraging and helpful and these women are married to men that travel often and some at limited notice and for long periods of time. Please send me an email if you would like to receive those. I’ve been praying for you. 🙂
Should have mentioned I am also an SP wife and married to a frequent traveler so I understand. 🙂
My husband left in January for an overseas job and just came back for a visit. So yeah I inow how it is to be by myself with the munchkins. Honestly breathe, say no a lot (to outside commitments) and realize that lowering your standards a little bit is okay. For us that means lots of paper plates and probably eating too much grilled cheese for supper. Since you ha e a return date I would start a countdown. It will help them visually see how much time is left before Daddy domes home.
My husband was gone for almost a month a couple years ago. He couldn’t call to talk to them that often because they were in school when he wasn’t working and he was asleep when they got home. So he called on weekends, and sent videos and text messages that they would get when they woke up in the morning. They loved seeing videos of the things that he thought they would like or find interesting. And I would keep them up to date on what was new with him, or tell him about their news until they talked again.
I also told the kids that they would have to help me more since I couldn’t be both mom and dad at the same time. I warned them that I would ask things to be done repeatedly, that I wanted them done when I asked, and I found the kids were much more helpful while he was gone. I tried to stay on top of the dishes and clutter so that I was never having to spend much time keeping them up. And then once they were in bed, I’d watch tv and spend my evenings crafting on whatever my current project was.
It wasn’t easy, but you will get into a rhythm while he’s gone, and then you have to break out of it again once things return to normal. Good luck!
My husband is in the military and just returned from a 7month deployment last month. One of the things that helped us were regular face time sessions. My kids were very in tune to wether they had talked to dad every day or not. I did have to help my 4 yr old kinda learn how to talk to him. I would have to sit with her and prompt her for the things she wanted to talk to him about. After about a couple weeks of regular conversations she would be able to talk to him at length. Seeing him safe and sound helped them out a lot. We also went to build-a-bear and let them get bears that had sound boxes in them with his voice recorded in them, this way they could hear him whenever they wanted. In the previous deployment we got one of the books that has the sound box and he recorded the story so he could read to them while he was gone. My older daughter wrote him cards.
On my end I had to be extra in tune to the kids and have extra grace on them. When they did have melt downs over things that were seemingly insignificant, remembering they are always on top of the stress of dad being gone. I outsourced our laundry and yard work to lighten my load. I also realized that since I got tired and more irritable earlier. I chose not to fight the bed time battle anymore and laid down with he kids to aid in them going to sleep more quickly (Bedtime was something my husband usually did so it made that time of day harder than usual). I also had to make a bed time for myself. I found my self not really wanting to go to bed and feeling a need to keep the house up late into the night. I finally made myself go to bed no later than 10PM every night, leaving what ever was undone in the house undone. This was a huge stretch for me. With my husband gone I don’t sleep as well as I do with him home so I had to make myself get in bed. And I can’t say enough how important it is to guard your time with God! You will need it more than ever. The plus is the time will go by much quicker than you realize and hubby will be home before you know it. There is jut as much adjustment in his return as there was in his absence. God will give you the grace for the season and your family will be stronger on the other side!!
Thank you for sharing this Brittney – I have faced similar situations with not sleeping well when my husband is away. It isn’t easy. Thank you again. It helps to read how others handle it.
My husband travels a bit and we have 2 little ones. I have found that ironing for the week on Sunday afternoons helps tremendously. My kids wear uniforms to school and I have everything for the week (for the most part) laid out before the week even starts. Also, I freeze any main meal leftovers that I can reheat during the week because to be honest, coming home after 5 and cooking a meal just isn’t going to happen. My oldest really helps a lot when I explain to her that she needs to be a big helper when daddy is gone. She is 6.
Good luck!
I deal with this on a random basis. We also have no family within easy driving distance. Be willing to accept help because you don’t have to do it all by yourself. If you have to throw a video on more than normal, that’s ok. What works well for me is getting the groceries by a delivery service like Peapod. With planning the groceries aren’t that much more than my normal trip because they will accept coupons. One of the grocery stores around here does pick up at the store so I may try that next time instead. We get our home cleaned biweekly so the one time that hit while my husband was traveling for work, I called up the babysitter and had her come over to watch the kid while I picked up the house. We pick up to make it easier for the cleaners to do the basic stuff like vacuum, etc. I had picked up a pizza so we all had dinner together also. I don’t mind doing something like that because she’s a college student. Another time I had a friend of mine come over and her husband stayed with my son while we went out for some girl time. The funny part: The mid-twenty year old husband took a nap before the 4 year old did!
I’ve only done 10 days without my husband so a month would be interesting.
Two years ago I became a widow at 42. I never thought I would be in this position. My own family lives overseas and my late husbands family mostly lives in another state or 1 hour away. Being a widow you truly do it all by yourself all the time. There is not really a break. I have learned to ask for help when I really need it, which was really hard for me because I don’t like to ask for help. I got a cleaning lady for every other week so that I don’t have to deal with that. I have my kids help with a few chores like taking the recycling out, emptying the dishwasher, putting their own laundry away and they are responsible for folding all the towels (they are 8 and 13).
I cook a few times a week and the other times we buy at the deli at the grocery store or get take out. With busy soccer lives and school I learned to let a lot of things go. You cannot do it all without going crazy. As long as my kids and I are happy and healthy it’s ok if the house is messy or there are 4 loads of laundry waiting to be put away. Roll with the punches! 🙂 I try to take time for myself by doing something creative like scrapbooking or art journaling.
I’m a military spouse and have been through many periods of my husband being gone for various lengths of time. We were not able to communicate much when he was gone due to the nature of his job. I definitely made meal planning easier … cereal nights, leftovers, etc. Don’t be afraid to ask for help – it’s great that your family is coming to visit. Look at pictures and talk about daddy while he is gone. Good luck!
Wishing you guys the best. We live in FL and my husband’s office is in Philadelphia, PA. We’ve done this for 25 years. Embrace and be glad you view this as difficult . After a period of a few years, I began to dread my husband coming home on the weekends. I love him dearly, but I became too adapted to his time away. My advice is to embrace his absence and be thankful that you miss him. I’m certain this sounds strange to many people, but I honestly hate the fact that I am able to live life without him. Tonight was his 52nd birthday. I wasn’t the one who made a special dinner for him. It was his female co-worker and her boyfriend who got to celebrate with him. SO….treasure every single minute you two have! Also, feel better soon!
I’m not a parent and don’t have any advice for you. Just wanted to tell you I think that’s a great picture of you two 🙂