On Nursing for the Last Time
The thing is, you might not know when you’re nursing for the last time.
All of a sudden I looked at the calendar and it had been a week — maybe eight days since I had nursed.
I realized it was over.
I’d never do it again.
And I cried.
Ezra is our third and last baby. He transformed all of us in a million wonderful ways, but I think me most of all. And nursing him for 14 months has been a joy.
I remember seven years ago when I came home from the hospital with Elias, my first, sore from a long delivery and unsure of what to come. I put my breast to my son’s lips, determined to figure it out. In the days that followed I remember sitting in the bathtub with hot washcloths on each breast, weeping over the pain of engorgement.
The milk finally let down and we figured it out together. I didn’t know then that milk would teach me about myself. Through nursing I learned to become more in-tune with my body and my children.
With Adeline, she devoured my milk. She wanted no part of a paci. Just mama and her milk all. the time. Being my second time around, everything was easier. I knew what to expect and how to listen to my body. Through hours and hours of nursing, we bonded and found our rhythm.
And then, sweet Ezra. My last child. The last to be nourished. I embraced the sacredness of the middle of the night, house quiet, just us feedings knowing these days would be numbered. Yes, I was tired, but my heart was also full of gladness for the wee one I fed.
When my milk supply ran low and I turned to my sister for milk from her breast and formula to help nourish my son during the days, I clung to those night time feedings even more.
As he grew and grew, my supply dwindled. Soon the feedings of us together were just once a day, then even less so. But I cherished each one, holding him close trying to stamp the feeling of his body on mine forever on my heart.
I didn’t expect to enjoy nursing as much as I have. It’s one of those unexpected gifts of motherhood no one can really explain unless they have experienced it.
My breasts don’t look the same as they did before I became a mother. They bear the marks of three children, nourished healthy and loved well.
Who knew that three times liquid gold would flow and affirm me in my calling to mother?
This post was written out of my own experiences of nursing my three children. It’s intent is not to diminish other mother’s experiences who were unable or chose not to nurse their children.
I read this today as I nursed my third and last. She is almost 14 months old and, while she seems content to nurse, I know the days are numbered. It is hard to experience all of these last times with my last one. It makes me a soggy mess just thinking about it. Thank you for sharing your heart on this. It feels good to know I’m not alone.
Thanks for sharing! So sad that you have to put a disclaimer at the end of a simple story! I don’t think it was undermining in any way 🙂
I know that breastfeeding can be a very touchy subject for some, so just wanted to acknowledge that from the get-go. 🙂 Appreciate your kind words.
Slowly approaching these days with my first! trying to savor it 🙂
I also have three children, but I have chosen not to breast feed them. BUT, I do cling to the little things about the third (he is 7 months old). He is growing & achieving things faster than his brothers did, & while I am excited about seeing him explore the world, I just want to savor his baby self a little while longer. Sweet post.
What a sweet post, Jessica. precious moments to savour.
Jessica, this is beautifully written. My first born daughter would not nurse no matter how hard I tried so I assumed “my girls” just didn’t work. Imagine my surprise with baby girl #2 that wouldn’t do anything except nurse! I never realized how sweet and bonding that time would be together and how much I would cherish it. I went through some blue for a while when she stopped nursing because even though I liked the idea of freedom without leaking/pumping/etc, I really missed the closeness with her. Thanks for sharing your real life stuff with us.
What a beautifully written and touching post! I also have loved nursing and didn’t expect to – as you say, an unexpected gift of motherhood 🙂 My first was like your Adeline – and as tiring as it was, there was nothing like watching his contentment as he nursed and snuggled in. My second hasn’t been nearly as nursing-obsessed but I am still so enjoying the closeness and am aware it is over all too quickly. Love your photos of Ezra nursing too! Thank you for sharing 🙂
My son is my third and last. My first two were only breastfed for 4 months and my sine is now going on 13 months. I wish I had educated myself better and reached out to support groups the first two times around. My son and I are now only feeding 1-2 times a day and I’m desperately clinging on to every feeding knowing that our time is coming to end. It’s strange… With my first I was so eager for her to reach each milestone, with my second (only 12 months younger than the first) I was exhausted and she picked up on things so quickly watching her sister, and now my third I pray for everything to slow down. Now 6, 5, and 1 I know I have many beautiful years with my babies; but just seems to be moving at a pace I don’t want to keep up with.
Amazing! My children are in their 20’s and early 30’s and I still remember nursing them all. What a special, special time. My daughter just finished nursing our 1st grandchild. Even more amazing to see the miracle there!
Beautifully well written! I too have 3, will she be my last to nurse? We’re still deciding…but i do cherish every feeding! With a few struggles in first 2 weeks i still fed through not giving up. She will be 8 months soon and I’m counting the months that it will come to an end! Such a great bonding experience to treasure forever! Thank you for sharing! Here’s to the next chapter of motherhood!